PROS AND CONS OF THE TOP 20 DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

I've been behind, so I'll post the whole thing and not make you look for it at McSweeney's,

1.
HILLARY CLINTON
Pro: Known commodity; strong fundraiser.
Con: Polarizing; unlikely to woo those already opposed to her.

2.
BARACK OBAMA
Pro: Articulate; resembles foxy actor Blair Underwood.
Con: L.A. Law was kind of overrated now that you think about it.

3.
JOHN EDWARDS
Pro: Has strong appeal to working-class voters.
Con: As a resident of two Americas, he must raise twice as much money and spend twice as much time campaigning.

4.
BILL RICHARDSON
Pro: Appeals to all Latino voters with the last name "Richardson."
Con: New Mexico is legally part of Mexico; therefore, he's constitutionally ineligible.

5.
JOE BIDEN
Pro: Technically still running for president.
Con: Dude. Come on.

6.
DICK CHENEYIN AN ELABORATE LATEX DISGUISETHAT TAKES FIVE HOURS TO APPLY
Pro: Trojan horse, my friend. Trojan fucking horse.
Con: Ruse would be so exciting that he would surely drop dead of a massive stroke about a month before Iowa.

7.
OPTIMUS PRIME
Pro: Size; power; ability to emit short-range optic blasts.
Con: Potential attack ad: "Sometimes Optimus Prime is a robot, other times a truck. Which is it, Mr. Prime? America deserves a leader that doesn't transform whenever it's convenient."

8.
ROSS PEROT
Pro: Hilarity.
Con: None.

9.
DENNIS KUCINICH
Pro: Solid anti-war stance; adorable; strong to the finich.
Con: Election laws limit magical pixies to only one term in office.

10.
JIMMY CARTER
Pro: Nobel Prize winner; available; just as good at not knowing what the hell to do about Iran as anyone else.
Con: Judging by photos, approximately 415 years old.

11.
ALLEN IVERSON
Pro: Instant offense.
Con: Selfish with the ball; may have lost a step.

12.
IRA GLASS
Pro: Thoughtful; self-effacing; like many Americans, enjoys cable television.
Con: At present, no budget line item exists for moody introspective music to underscore every statement president makes in order to make it sound more poignant.

13.
BONO
Pro: Knowledgeable about global health issues; everyone seems to like him; Joshua Tree album.
Con: Too busy hugging everyone to actually execute the duties of office; no one likes the sound of "Vice President the Edge" or "Secretary of Health and Human Services Larry Mullen Jr."; the whole "Zoo TV" thing.

14.
AL GORE
Pro: Knows how to get to the White House, where to park, location of restrooms.
Con: Wants to accomplish something meaningful.

15.
WALTER MONDALE
Pro: Has spent last 22 years going over tape, reviewing mistakes, plotting, scheming, waiting, watching, preparing to pounce like a 79-year-old Minnesotan panther.
Con: None.

16.
JESUS CHRIST
Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong leadership qualities.
Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.

17.
THAT ONE GUY WHOSEEMED REALLY COOL
Pro: Remember? He was a senator or congressman or something? It was a while ago. He seemed super-smart but also normal. I saw him this one time.
Con: Crap, what was his name? Or was it a lady? Do you know who I'm talking about? Crap.

18.
ZOMBIE LYNDON JOHNSON
Pro: Could sway red-state voters as well as Fangoria crowd; '60s-era campus unrest has died down.
Con: Tendency to groan instead of talk could hurt chances in live debates; constant need to feed on fresh brains could limit campaigning.

19.
OPRAH WINFREY
Pro: Popular; influential; could rally the silent masses already violently opposed to Jonathan Franzen.
Con: May only exacerbate nationwide Maya Angelou plague that has decimated much of the nation.

20.
YOU
Pro: Gained valuable exposure as Time magazine's Person of the Year; seems to be Internet-savvy.
Con: Ever since the Time thing, you've been awfully smug.
- - - -