Projectile Envy

A 'plus' for this week is the fact that the Large Hadron Collider is up and running and has not yet created a giant black hole into which we have been sucked.....

Anyhoo, apparently biologists are experiencing a little jealousy over all the fuss about Hadron.

Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute Ready to Start “Squirrel Smasher”

Dallas, TX – Scientists from the Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute (EARI) announced that the first test of the Giant Animal Smasher (GAS) will begin on December 19, 2008, the 41st anniversary of the premiere of Dr. Dolittle.

Dr. Thomas Malwin, head of the research project, said, "The first test runs will only accelerate microscopic life-forms like bacteria and viruses to high speeds, but theoretically the GAS can handle animals as large as squirrels, hence the squirrel smasher moniker."

Biologists from around the globe hope the GAS will unlock the secrets of the so-called "Darwin particle" that could unlock the secrets to life.

"If we discover the Darwin particle we could possibly create new life-forms, or accelerate evolution to unimaginable levels," said Malwin.

The GAS is a 25 mile tube buried ten feet below the surface, and accelerates the animals up to a speed of 6,000 meters per second using a series of pulleys, levers and fusion reactors.

Malwin dismissed critics who claimed that smashing animals together at high speeds was cruel to the animals. He said, "The animals won't be feeling anything. The collision will vaporize the squirrels in a fraction of a second. Their brains won't be able to transmit pain at those speeds, so it'll be painless for them."

cont'd