Heavy News Day

Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza

NEW YORK—Besides suppressing office acrimony, the pizza appeared to subdue frustrated employees on a physical level, leaving many full and slightly fatigued.

Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book

GREENWOOD,IN—"Instead of spending hours on YouTube every night, Mr. Meyer, unlike most healthy males, looks to books for gratification," said one psychologist.

Female Serial Killer Has To Work Twice As Hard To Achieve Notoriety

OTSEGO, MI—Like many women who simply want the chance to kill as many victims as possible before being caught, Huxley has faced fierce resistance at every turn.

Local Boy Trapped In Family

HARRISONBURG, VA—"We're doing all we can," said Lt. Barnes, who coordinated efforts to replace the retarded hand-me-down parka that once belonged to the boy's brother.